


there are worse ways to die (but there are a whole lot of better ways too.)

by translevi



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Everyone Has Issues, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mercy Killing, Minor Character Death, Morbid, Multi, Nonbinary Hange Zoë, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Trans Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Trans Male Character, i wrote this for Me but yall are welcome to enjoy it too, not actually as bad as the tags seem! as far as i can tell., you think the veterans are okay? is that what you think? you think that with your brain? wrong.
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-12
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:35:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25229932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/translevi/pseuds/translevi
Summary: All of the veterans that roamed its bloodstained halls were strange in different ways, they had to be. Normal people simply did not survive this long; or perhaps, they lose their normality when they have survived so long. The blood of fallen comrades sits sticky under their nails, empty chairs at empty tables, heads always tilted—listening. They will either become them, or they will die before them.Either option is equally, numbingly, horrifying.(A glimpse into Squad Levi's relationships with each other and their captain)
Relationships: Eld Jinn/Gunther Schultz, Levi/Petra Ral, Levi/Special Operations Squad | Squad Levi, Oluo Bozado/Eld Jinn/Levi/Petra Ral/Gunther Schultz, Oluo Bozado/Levi, Oluo Bozado/Petra Ral, theyre all dating okay
Comments: 20
Kudos: 56





	1. erd; underneath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [underneath - cobi](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xD79huBSoq4)  
>   
> you're headed for the rope  
> choose blessings over hope  
> don't let em  
> pull you underneath  
> butterflies and dinosaurs  
> we already set our course  
>   
> content warning at the end!  
> 

Levi cannot deny himself pain.

It's not something they knew, frankly they doubt it's common knowledge. One of the many hidden mysteries that the Survey Corps wrapped itself in. All of the veterans that roamed its bloodstained halls were strange in different ways, they had to be. Normal people simply did not survive this long; or perhaps, they lose their normality when they have survived so long. The blood of fallen comrades sits sticky under their nails, empty chairs at empty tables, heads always tilted—listening. They will either become them, or they will die before them.

Either option is equally, numbingly, horrifying.

But they are not the commander's, they are not Squad Leader Hanji's, or Mike's. They do not gather round the table in meeting halls, gone for hours as those that were here before the loss of Wall Maria go over Commander Erwin's plans, no longer do they mingle with the general soldiers in the mess. It is not their position, it has not been for some time now.

No. They are Levi's.

Levi is composed in public, outwardly he has not changed from when they first laid eyes on him, separately or together, during training or before. He is quiet, reserved, blunt, crass, dark, alone. But it is easy to forget those things, when one is not looking. It is just as easy to dismiss the rumors of where Levi comes from, but it cannot be forgotten completely. Not in private.

Because Levi is terrifying.

Its not as noticeable when he is inside the walls, when you glance and see that he is only a few inches taller than Petra. He is small and he is thin, exhausted and haggard, unfamiliar and ominous. The higher ups of the Military Police like to dismiss him, growling in private how a thug received more praise from Wall Sina's residents than they. They mistake his boredom for ignorance, and fools are too quick to see Levi's mask as his face. They learned; quickly. He is as sharp as the knife he so often polishes, and just as deadly.

The fact that Levi chose them is no comfort in the beginning, when they are new in his presence and Erwin watches from the shadows of the training grounds, gaze unwavering as he stared both Levi and his newfound squad down.

He is gone after the first day, and Erd does not know whether to be relieved or even more terrified. He is second in command, picked first. To say that Levi was socially stunted... He's not sure if it would be an understatement or not; Levi doesn't bother with niceties, he says what his point is and waits. It is baffling, and the polar opposite of dealing with the commander. The first conversation he and Levi have directly is when he walks up to him, silent, but large. A wolf walking through his territory. Levi had cocked his head, eyes unreadable, and asked if Erd was capable of dying if ordered to do so.

_Yes._

Gunther was next, a hesitant recommendation forced to a strong one under Levi's displeased stare. It sets a tone, gives Erd enough information to understand what this squad would be for. There would be no hesitation, and no uncertainty. If Levi ordered him to jump into the mouth of a titan, he would.

Watching Gunther and Levi interact is interesting, they are the same, but different.

Levi's recruitment of Gunther is just as direct, but much less ominous than his approach to Erd. They are similar enough to understand each other without much prompting. Levi conveys Erd's recommendation, and Gunther's jaw sets, and he nods.

That is the end of that.

Petra and Auruo are newer, they have a few expeditions under their belt, but not the amount that Erd and Gunther have. But still, they have survived, and they show promise. Still, it is weeks before he approaches them, watching them both in private and openly, seeing how they responded, how they fought when unaware, and aware of his gaze.

Petra is willing to die for her duty, but her nose wrinkles in displeasure ever so slightly when Levi speaks, she is too passionate to remain entirely reserved. He is rude, and she has no reason to see his mannerisms in any other light. Levi extends the invitation anyway.

Auruo is a familiar face, attached to Petra at the hip, but a near casualty in his first expedition. Levi knows that he is fire, and he burns. Without fuel, he will burn out. Left alone for too long, Auruo will die. Levi extends the invitation anyway.

The first time they salute as a squad, something settles over them, heavy and foreboding, frigid. But Levi gives the briefest nod of approval, and fog gives way to clarity, to purpose. They have a mission.

Levi is so many things, but despite initial concerns or misgivings about his personality, he is not conceited. He does not flaunt his power or his status, and he is not heartless. Volatile, at times even hostile, but not cruel. It is no secret that Captain Levi is a clean freak, but they are not prepared for the intensity of it in private. Their first few weeks are spent cleaning, nearly nonstop, cleaning their new rooms near Levi's, cleaning the main living quarters for them, the mess, the hallways, they ceilings, the lights, the windows, everything that can be cleaned must be. Levi is a nightmare while they learn to meet his standards. They don't understand, they don't need to. But it is frustrating.

///

The first expedition they go on together, the eyes of the crowd burn them on their way out of the gates. It is no secret that Levi has taken a squad, rumors spread like wildfire, and the populace was eager to see those so powerful they had captured the attention of the famous "Humanity's Strongest". They line up to watch them go, no doubt prepared to hurl stones upon their return. It was a show to them, animals lined up for the slaughter.

Petra's eyes are forward, fire burning, Gunther stares somewhere above the housing on his right side. Auruo looks at Petra, at Levi, at his hands holding the reins, over and over. Erd stares at the back of Levi's head, watches Levi move the second Erwin commands it. They all follow suit.

Their first expedition together as a squad, they watch as Levi kills another soldier.

It had happened quickly, far too quickly. Levi had been elsewhere, leaving them to manage themselves on the outskirts of a ruined town. Other soldiers circle around them, watching, they are being judged. One is far too distracted. Gunther's yell is cut off by the sound of bones snapping, a body hitting hard stone, crashing to the ground. The titan follows moments after, and Auruo lands on a roof hard, shingles breaking off and sliding to the ground below. He moves before he had really stopped, lunging on his hands and knees to the side of the roof, staring down below at where the soldier had fallen into the grass.

Bits of stone crushed the flora by the side of the building, the soldier is twitching.

Petra reaches him first, dropping to her knees beside him, yelling for someone, a medic. Anyone.

Erd watches Auruo on the roof, he is motionless, staring. Gunther is next to Petra, and Erd watches him, the way his brow creases, how his gaze clouds. Far, far away. His head turns in the direction of Erd, and he shakes his head ever so slightly. Erd reels back, looking around. There are no titans in the immediate area, no doubt focusing the bigger groups in the center of the town.

They are all on the ground next. Standing around the dying soldier, lost, somewhere else. It is one of the more cruel deaths to earn in the corps; a slow one. The soldier is gasping, choking, bleeding from his mouth. Begging. He does not want to die.

So many have begged like this before him, many will continue to after.

The mans head turns, eyes wild, a cornered animal. A rabbit recognizes the crack of a gun better when a bullet has kissed it. He whispers. There are tears. "Captain?"

Erd flinches. Levi is next to him, he is blank, staring at the scene emotionless, for a moment it seems as if he is bored. Erd hadn't even heard him land. Petra's gaze hardens, her lips draw back, rage festers like an untreated wound. Levi steps forward, and Erd wonders how long he had been watching. It is Levi that drops to his knees next, reaching to place his hand on the man's shoulder. "I'm here."

Like a candle snuffed, Petra's rage turns to pain, and her claws are sheathed.

"I wanted to do more." the soldier whispers, staring up at the unforgiving sun. "I wanted..."

"You have done enough," Levi's voice leaves no room for argument, exact, but not unkind. "And we thank you for it."

"I wanted--" The man cries, his body is convulsing, blood stains the grass.

"Do you have a family?"

The man whispers no. Such is the story of many in the military, there is simply nowhere else to go.

Auruo is still holding the handles to his gear, his hands shake, grip white knuckled. If only he had been faster.

"Yes." Levi says. "You do."

The soldier's head twists ever so slightly, Erd watches the shard of a bone peak out of his shirt.

"We are your family now," Levi offers, quiet, he does not look away. "And we will never forget you, or your sacrifice." 

Something in the way he says them is calming, there is conviction, like he truly, deeply believes what he is saying. Gunther looks away.

The dying man sobs, and Erd's attention moves to Levi's other hand. He shifts his weight, getting up on one knee, reaching into the back of his boot. Petra's eyes widen, mouth gasping open. Levi pulls out a knife.

"Was I good?" the man is staring at something they cannot see, he will not die for hours. That is, if a titan does not find him first.

"Only the good die young." Levi breathes, the hand on the mans shoulder moves to close his eyes, before settling over his mouth. The knife flips in his hand as he pulls closer. "And you were the best of us all."

Erd has seen death before, so much death. Still he has never scene a human kill another. Levi moves effortlessly, and without hesitation.

The man convulses, his eyes squeeze shut, and then he goes limp. Levi does not move away for minutes. Hours. He watches.

Petra is crying, Auruo's lip is bleeding from where he has bit through skin. Gunther stares at the blood on the grass, it is familiar to him. Erd looks at Levi.

Levi wipes the blade of his knife onto the grass before taking his cape and using it to wipe off any remains of the blood. Then it goes back into his boot, but he still does not stand. He rips the patch off of the mans jacket. They are his family and they dont know his name. Cannot bury his body.

Levi stands and turns, surveys them. Only Erd meets his gaze, but Levi does not rush them. They stand in silence, the breeze sending ripples throughout the grass. Eventually Petra stands, her eyes are red, and tear tracks stain her face, but she meets Levi's gaze without shame, only giving a slight nod as her hands find her triggers. There is a new understanding for her, and her hackles lower, able to tolerate Levi's mannerisms now. There are bloody grass stains on the knees of her white pants.

Gunther shakes his head, and his back straightens, he is with them again, and his gaze skips over Auruo as the other man makes his way to Petra's side. They are closer than strictly platonic. Gunther does not say anything.

They step away, not quite together, but as an unit all the same, and make it back to the walls alive.

///

Their horses are tended to, their gear is checked, the washroom awaits them all.

Before nightfall, a candle is lit for their lost family member, and a bottle is passed around the dull the horrors the mind cannot comprehend. Levi does not join them.

It's Gunther that retires to his bedchambers first, offering only a nod to Erd to say goodbye before he is gone, down the dark and winding hallways, quickly lost from sight. A living ghost in a haunted home. Petra is half asleep against Auruo's side, staring into the flame of a dying candle. Her gaze follows a stray drop of wax down. Auruo's trembling hand sits on the side of Petra's head, fingers wound through ginger locks. He keeps her steady when she starts to fall. She keeps him strong enough to stay without collapsing.

Erd excuses himself, leaving them with the candle and the empty bottle. As second in command there are duties he must attend to come the afternoon tomorrow — today, really, he muses. His aching march lulls him, but he cannot pretend, even for a moment, that these stone walls are not closing in. On him, on everyone else, on humanity. This will be his grave. A shovel sitting in the rain, gathering rust.

He passes by the training room reserved for their squad and stops. His thoughts had stopped him from hearing the noises, the barely suppressed growls, the heaving gasps. The heavy sound of contact against leather before the sharp pierce of chains rattling.

Erd stands in the doorway, more awake suddenly, watching as the punching bag hits the ground hard and rolls, focuses on how Levi all but collapses forward, wrapped hands pressed against his knees. His bangs hang in his face, sweating and flushed red. Its usually not so noticeable; the bags under his eyes. The exhaustion in his form. But here it is all Erd can see, bone deep in how Levi's arms tremble trying to hold himself up.

Levi is not a small presence, not by any means, he is larger than life, intimidating, and though physically small, his presence is just as powerful as any titan that Erd has ever seen. Even outside the walls, Erd cannot recall a point in time where he has seen Levi look this exhausted, this disheveled, this... Naked. It's an uncomfortable amount of skin, given that Levi was usually covered from neck to toe. Seeing him now in just shorts and an athletic undergarment was... Strange.

It's hard not to notice the violent scar wrapped around his neck, under where his cravat would sit. It's ugly from a distance, and it sends twinges of discomfort to the back of Erd's neck. He will not ask, not today. Possibly never. It is not his to know, still he does not look away, gaze slipping down from the stains of sweat on his undergarment down to his shorts. It's easy to forget the marks the gear left, not often did he seek out another soldiers undressed form, and rarely did he pay any mind to his own aside from his face. Levi's marks are deeper, strained strangle in places, old, but still visible. Never given a chance to heal.

Much like his legs. Something in Erd's stomach drops, and he could not pull his gaze away from Levi's legs if he tried. Powerful, muscular and taunt, and littered with scars all over. Long lines, gashes, what must be a word that he cannot read. He should not pry, he should not speculate. He will put it away for later, whenever that may be. Levi's stance shifts, and Erd looks back up towards his face, and goes still upon meeting Levi's gaze.

Sparks of iron when blades clash, and the jagged edge of ice, it makes Erd feel small. He does not like to feel small.

It's a challenge of some kind, the way Levi stares him down. He does not hide his chest, or his legs, there is no shame in his body, not for something as human as this. Erd drags his heavy arms into a salute, and Levi's head tilts down ever so slightly, eyes narrowing. The bags under his eyes are as dark as the night.

"Captain." Erd's voice feels sore. Hoarse even, it usually is after the screams of an expedition. "Have you been here all night, sir?"

It takes a few seconds, but the use of the word _"Sir"_ has Levi's hackles lowering, and after a few more moments of eye contact he blinks away, looking over the bag on the floor and letting out a deep sigh. He does not answer, Erd hadn't really expected him to. But he weighs his options and walks over all the same. Levi's eyes are closed when Erd drops down to go for the bag's chains. Levi's hands are clenched into fists, his body shakes ever so slightly. Exhausted, but unable to calm down, to stop the fight. It is a sudden, uncomfortable clarity.

He doesn't know how to handle this, not really. Not from Levi.

"Can you give me a hand captain?"

Levi's eyes open, and he exhales, giving a nod before stepping over to help Erd lift the bag. It is hung high enough and awkwardly enough that even alone Erd would struggle to get it up by himself easily. Saying nothing for Levi, who isn't tall enough to reach the hooks. They get it back up in silence, and Levi does not thank him.

Erd should leave, he is tired, his hands feel stained, though they are clean. If he looks they will be clean, he knows they are clean. But they aren't.

Levi stares at the bag for a time, perhaps thinking, perhaps waiting, Erd cannot read him well enough to tell, but eventually he turns his attention back to Erd. A silent question.

Why is he still here?

So Erd tilts his head towards the door, and Levi mulls it over, before the tension bleeds from his form and he brings a hand up to massage his temple. Blood has seeped through the bandages wrapped around his knuckles. The cloth is frayed in places.

"We should both get some sleep." somehow Erd smiles, and Levi opens one eye to look at him, fingers still in place to rub at the other. 

"Yeah," Levi says, putting his hand before him to stare at his nails, the blood still caked under them. Whether from training or the expedition, Erd does not know. "We should."

Levi steps away to the connected washroom, and although Erd does not have to wait, he does, arms crossed and leaning against the wall. He loses track of time at one point, drifting off, effectively dead on his feet, only to blink awake at the sound of Levi's voice.

"Oi. What do you think you're still doing here."

It is not a question, more of a warning, Erd is reminded of how Levi claimed the soldier as family before he died.

Erd smiles.

"Waiting for you," and he pushes off the wall, dizzy for a moment as he finds his footing before making his way to the doorway. Levi follows, walking with Erd even as they pass his own quarters, favors must be returned.

When Erd's hand finds the doorknob to his room, he turns and looks back, Levi stands at the corner of the hallway, waiting. There is nothing to be said, so Erd raises his hand in silent goodbye, and Levi lingers in the shadows just until Erd's door is shut behind the man before he slips away.

///

Erd would consider his integration into squad Levi thus far as a success, he's finally meeting Levi's near impossible standards for cleanliness, and has neither been killed by a titan or his superior. Levi still pursed his lips in displeasure at them while they trained, but the amount he's yelled at them for being _"fucking idiots"_ has gone down by a significant amount, and he is no longer sarcastically delighted to inform them that a _"fucking baby"_ communicated better than them. They are still a far cry from perfect, and nonverbal communication comes easier to Gunther than it does to Auruo. Petra does her best to keep the peace, whether that means talking them down, or slamming her elbow hard enough into your side to bruise. A lesson that Erd learned the hard way the first few times around.

The night after the expedition stays prominent in his mind; it was a side to Levi he had never seen before, and one he still wasn't quite sure how to process. It goes without saying that the highest members of the Survey Corps were eccentric. They had seen so much, had so much to cope with. Years and years of horrors added up to an unimaginable weight. What Erd has seen has drained him, and they have triple or more his experience.

If the rumors about Levi's origin are true... Perhaps...

It would explain the scar around his neck. Erd still has to repress a shudder to think of it. It looked agonizing.

His internal monologue's invasive snooping into his commanding officers personal life aside, yes, Erd would consider it going rather well.

Which is of course why he is called into Commander Erwin's office almost immediately afterwards.

It is squad leader Mike who fetches him, which does strike Erd as odd, considering that Levi was Erwin's right hand man, surely it would be easier to have Levi send for him? He files that away to think about later. Mike says very little while escorting him to Erwin's office, sniffing occasionally in the way he is prone to. He's much like Gunther, body language and silence, something that Erd can appreciate. There is only so much small talk one can make in a death march before it is exhausted.

But he finds himself before the commander's door, and Mike nods at him once, satisfied, before leaving to return to... Whatever it is he did. Erd takes a breath, steadies himself, and knocks. Erwin bids him entry, and he steps inside, closing the door behind him and moving to stand in front of Erwin's desk, moving into a salute and holding it until Erwin looked up from the papers splayed out on his desk in front of him.

The smile Erwin offers is kind, leaning forward to rest his elbows on the desk, clasping his hands in front of him. "At ease, soldier."

Erd relaxes, folding his arms behind him and remaining standing. "You wanted to see me, sir?"

Erwin gestures to the chair on the other side of his desk, still smiling. "Please, have a seat."

Erd obliges, sitting down and placing his palms flat against the tops of his thighs, running his hands over his pants.

Erwin sits back in his chair, relaxing his posture just a bit. His smile is disarming, his gaze is oppressive. "How are you and the rest of your squad doing?"

So that's what this is about. Again, why not ask Levi?

Erd considers his words, heavy on his tongue. "I believe it's going well, sir. We're a far cry from perfect, but we improve as a unit daily. Captain Levi keeps pushing us to do our best. I believe in him and his training."

Erwin nods, glancing down at his papers to skim something before looking back up, it makes Erd aware of the space he is taking up. It is extremely uncomfortable. "I'm glad to hear that."

Erd does not like Commander Erwin. He respects him an unbelievable amount, would not have joined a military faction who's leader did not truly believe in his cause. But he does not like him. Erwin's gaze is always too cold, too piercing, something hides behind the blue of his eyes. His body language is deceptive, his tone even more so. He recognizes danger when he sees it. Only a man like Erwin would be able to sacrifice what must be sacrificed to move forward. Erd has no doubt it weighs heavy on his conscious, despite what the general populace may believe. But that does not mean Erd has to like it, especially not face to face with it's scrutiny. When an animal smiles, they bare their teeth, a reminder that they can and will bite. Humans, no matter how sophisticated, how advanced, are still animals. He does well to remember that.

"And Levi," Erwin begins, an air of casualty to the conversation, almost as if discussing the weather. "How is he doing?"

 _That_ is what this is about.

Erd's mind races, mind pulling at different strands, stringing them together, tying and untying. Something is at work here, so he stops and considers the facts, he must come to a conclusion to act decisively.

Mike, Hanji, Levi, the most advanced wildcards of the veterans and their squads were all stationed primarily in one corner of the headquarters, kept near Erwin's personal office and room. Some amenities were shared and optional, but each team member had their own set of rooms, dining area, and training rooms, customized to different teams specialties — or in this case, peculiarities.

Something sits below the surface, something that Erd cannot quite grasp, Erwin waits, patiently. Everyone in the corps had seen how Moblit acted towards Hanji. Nanaba's hand steadied Mike's more than once. Levi... Bloodied and exhausted himself after a mission, until Erd had caught him and brought him back.

Erwin's light smile does not change even when Erd's back goes straight, realization sitting visible but just out of reach. He swallows heavily. "What are you asking me, sir?"

Erwin isn't phased, Erd has never seen anything phase him. "You have permission to speak freely, Erd."

Oh, of course.

Erd starts to nod, glancing down at his hands and bouncing his leg, as erratic as the thoughts racing in his head. Without warning he settles and stills, looking back up. Erwin is still waiting. No one could survive this hell intact.

"Immediately following the most recent expedition, I discovered Captain Levi in our training room—"

He relays the story, direct and to the point, stating what he had noticed and what he knew to be fact, Erwin only listens, occasionally humming in acknowledgement or shifting in his seat. It is not something he has to do, Erd appreciates it. The conversation almost seems human.

He finishes his explanation, and is silent, Erwin nods.

"I see, and what are your personal thoughts on the matter?"

Erd weighs Levi's scars, his knuckles, the exhaustion. The way he cleans until his skin is raw. The moments when Levi shakes without warning, gone in a second as he moves again, unnoticed to all but Erd. His fingers are thin and tremble, and only still completely when he is about to strike. Levi keeps knives hidden on his person. Lines, all over his legs.

Moblit, Nanaba.

Himself.

But Erwin closes his eyes and dips his head. And Erd reels.

"Commander," Erd begins, trailing off immediately. He had spoken with no destination in mind, and it takes him a few moments to decide on one. Erwin's eyes are on him. "Why did you have Captain Levi create a squad now?"

So much of life was about simply asking the right question.

Erwin makes a small noise of amusement, fulling relaxing back into his chair, he is at peace with the conversation, and content in it's direction. Erd has no doubt Erwin knew exactly how this would end. That is why he called him here, after all.

"Mike, Hanji, and Levi are my most trusted soldiers." Erd had not minced words, Erwin would not either. "They have survived the longest, and are no doubt the strangest among us. I don't believe that anyone with their particular skill-sets will be found ever again."

This, Erd knew, he has never had to consider it from the point Erwin has before now.

"Are you familiar with chess, how it's pieces move?"

"I am."

"Good." Erd is staring at the wood of the desk, the grain. Thinking. Erwin continues speaking after a pause. "A battle is all about strategy, you must consider what pieces to put where, and how to encourage the enemies movements. There are moves where you must sacrifice a pawn to allow another piece to adjust appropriately to take a more powerful enemy."

It would be easy to be horrified, to remind himself that these are human lives that make up the pawns, but all Erd feels is numb.

There is silence, Erwin gives Erd time to respond, to think of something to say. He is still waiting when Erd looks up to make eye contact again. Their communication is wordless. Erwin continues.

"Hanji's background is as volatile as they are. They are explosive and vibrant, they consider and think of things from a scientific standpoint that no regular person could. Because of this, there are times, days where they will go without eating, without sleeping, lost in their own mind, thinking, creating. Some of our best inventions have come from Hanji's self destruction."

Erd processes this, Erwin has left something out, he is waiting for Erd to piece it together. A learning procedure. "Which is what Moblit and the rest of the squad are for."

"Exactly."

Erwin shifts before he continues.

"There are more things than just personality that Mike can smell for, he is accurate, strong, and reliable. It is just as easy for him to get swept up in emotions, not just his own, but the people around him. Pheromones, as he has explained and proven to me, are manipulative both to the mind and the body. There are times when it manipulates him in ways not even a standard soldier's mind manipulates themselves."

Erd nods, his jaw feels welded shut, yet he bids himself to speak. "Nanaba."

"Correct."

"Captain Levi self destructs."

Erwin sighs, once again glancing down at his papers, tracing over lines as Erd thinks. No doubt Erwin has how Erd processes nailed.

"Levi is humanity's greatest asset. He is reliable and loyal to a fault, and not above getting his hands dirty should the need arise. But he is, admittedly, terrible at taking care of himself. It's more difficult for him than most to manage his emotions in a healthy manner, it is even more difficult to get him to take a break. He will repress whatever it is he's feeling until he's so tightly wound that he explodes, putting himself and sometimes others out of commission. That cannot be afforded anymore."

He is so detached, like this is conversational, not a psychological address of Levi's mental state. And yet Erd understands, how could he not? He had seen it up close.

"Which is what we're here for." Erd finishes.

Erwin nods, and Erd rolls it around on his tongue, what that meant for him, for the others. "Which is why Squad Leader Mike brought me here."

Erwin nods again.

"I can't imagine Captain Levi just allowing us to just interfere with his personal life like this."

Erwin's smiles flashes teeth, only for a moment as he leans forward again every bit as satisfied as an animal cornering its prey. "Why wouldn't he? He chose you after all."

 _Oh,_ Erd thinks, _I see._

Erwin dismisses him, and Erd salutes and leaves without hesitation. He needs time to mull this over, to figure out his response to it, his next actions. Levi wants him to move without hesitation, he must have known deep down what Erwin wanted him to do. Levi chose them, meaning he saw something in them, something that meshed with him. If only Erd knew what that was.

He's in bed for the night when a new thought occurs to him. If Mike, Hanji, and Levi have their own squads, then what does Erwin have? It is nearly disruptive, if anyone in the corps would need someone in that sense, surely it would be Erwin. The answer, he realizes, is within the question.

There is a reason their teams were centered around his office, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning for:
> 
> implied/referenced self harm  
> death is described in detail  
> unhealthy coping mechanisms


	2. petra; devil's backbone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Auruo is fire, then Petra is the spark. She ignites and she explodes, setting the world around her ablaze before stepping back. She is the ignition and the gasoline. Just as, if not more, destructive than the fire itself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [devil's backbone - the civil wars](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YTb6MoMLvcY)  
>   
> O Lord, O Lord, he’s somewhere between  
> A hangman’s knot and three mouths to feed  
> There wasn’t a wrong or a right he could choose  
> He did what he had to do  
> Oh, he did what he had to do  
>   
>   
> no out there content warnings this time!

Petra will be the first to admit she has a temper.

Fire burns in her chest and heats at her cheeks, nails leaving crescent shaped indents where they dug into the palms of her clenched fists. Petra is ugly and angry and her blood boils like it is stuffed in a covered pot. There are things she will tolerate, and things that she cannot — will not — stand for. 

She is fond of kindness, a world where things are fair. A world where freedom is truly free, and she fights for it without hesitation. She is the first to follow, to fill the empty spaces left behind by reckless action. 

If Auruo is fire, then Petra is the spark. She ignites and she explodes, setting the world around her ablaze before stepping back. She is the ignition and the gasoline. Just as, if not more, destructive than the fire itself. Between her and Auruo, most people would see Auruo as the leader. Eager to put Petra into their perceived notion of her place, a kind and helpful woman. One who should be at home with a loving husband to support, instead of in the army, rough and calloused. Her father is a severe offender in that nature.

Petra defends him, she will not defend anyone else who sees her in such a way, but she understands her father. He just doesn't want to lose her like he lost Petra's mother. They do not see her in battle.

They are still not perfect, they will not be for some time, the dynamic is still unsteady on its feet, learning to walk without support. Soon they will run.

There are two titans on an old and overgrown path, mingling between dilapidated roofs, they are glossy eyed and unaware, but that means nothing. They could just as easily smear their bodies into the grass, or grind their bones between their teeth.

They are testing the waters of nonverbal orders, trying to see if their training has paid off. It is dangerous; such is their occupation. Erd raises his hand, and tries not to throw up. 

Petra lunges forward, shooting one wire low between the two titans ankles, and one high into a building on the other side. She moves quickly, and without hesitation, even when the sound registers to the titans, gaze turning to focus on Petra, starting to turn. They do not move fast enough. The weight of gravity brings her arch down fast, nearly skimming the ground under her as she lashed out, starting her swing in one titan's ankles and ending it in the others. Their legs crumple as she releases her lower hook, re-firing it higher and allowing momentum to swing her back up over the rooftops. 

Auruo is already in motion after her, where his movements lack the fluidity that Petra has, they have double the independent lethality. He is direct regardless of danger, and he cuts a jagged swath from one rooftop to another. Erd sees the moment all semblance of life leaves the titan's eyes, and they fall forward completely, landing on the ground with heavy thuds. Dust flies up the side of the buildings, and Erd squints to see through it, unblinking. 

Where Petra lands, Auruo lands next to her, and she turns delighted, looking back at Erd for confirmation. He raises his arm high, hand giving an affirmative flick, and smiles to himself as Petra jumps, turning to fling herself at Auruo, her arms wrapped around his neck. Her weight is familiar, and Auruo catches her with ease, pressing his face into the top of her head to hide his grin.

The moment ends quickly, and by the time Erd flies over next to them, they have turned back into hardened soldiers, awaiting his command. It is time they rejoined with Gunther and Captain Levi.

/// 

The first time Petra had talked to Captain Levi, she had nearly throw up afterwards.

He had approached her and Auruo while the two had been training. It was standard for the soldiers, not quite preparation for the next expedition, but ensuring their skills remained honed at all times. They had seen his interest once or twice before, and had whispered about it to each other in the halls, casting wary eyes over their shoulders. People talked, especially soldiers with little else in means of entertainment. In their off hours, gossip was a _must_. 

_"Captain Levi is preparing a squad,"_ another woman whispered to Petra as they prepared for breakfast duty together, rubbing sleep from heavy eyes. Petra had paused for a moment in brushing her teeth, before filing it away and brushing it off. It had not been a concern at the time — breakfast, on the other hand, had been crucial.

Auruo pressed against her side some time later, distinctly out of formation in the training sequence they were running through, but eager to tell her about Erd and _apparently_ Gunther's invitation to join. It made sense, they were skilled, experienced veterans, no doubt capable enough to have caught Captain Levi's attention. She had kicked at his ankle, shooing him off before the squad leader overseeing them had time to notice, before rushing to his side after dinner to drag him away as inconspicuously as possible.

The first time they notice Captain Levi's eyes on them, they are in the middle of a routine, Auruo's attention snaps to where her gaze has frozen, and he falters, misfiring a hook and utterly slashing his momentum, taking him jerkily to the right, and in direct path of the _'titan'_. He had to spin to realign himself, this wouldn't have been a problem on it's own, but given that they were practicing cuts on training dummies, it was a significant issue. One that could cause death in the field, either their own or anothers.

Petra's eyes meet Auruo's, mortification already coloring his cheeks, and she jerks her head down before swinging around so that she was opposite Auruo's position on the other side of the titan. He recovers quickly, and they both fire low together, a controlled burst of gas sending them down towards the ground in a quick curve. They skim the grass together, blades making contact with the tough material on the titan's ankle and slashing through them. Auruo rides the momentum from the curve up, while Petra moves out of the way. The angle puts Auruo in the perfect position to cut while riding high, striking the titan's nape before re-firing his hooks in the air above the titan's head, moving to let it fall while he chased after Petra's lead.

They continue with the routine, and Captain Levi is gone by the time they have finished. Auruo drops on his ass and groans, putting his head in his hands and muttering about how he had made an idiot of himself. Petra, given her kind and sympathetic nature, lightly nudged him with her foot until he stopped whining.

There were more situations like that, thankfully with less mistakes that required recovery, before Levi had approached them.

Admittedly, Petra had expectations. She had yet to actually speak to Captain Levi at that point in time, but given that he was a hero, _Humanity's Strongest,_ she had expected a bit more of what the other veterans offered. Commander Erwin's right hand man must have had something to his personality, right? To say that her expectations were publicly executed would be conveying the sentiment _lightly_.

Everything about Levi's personality rubbed her the wrong way, the dead look in his eyes, the flat tone of his voice, his way of speaking, it all pissed her off to an unbelievable extent. But the invitation was just that, an invitation, not forced or an expectation, and he was gone just as quick as he had come, informing them that if they chose to accept, all they had to do was inform their squad leader.

Petra had almost thrown up, from nerves, from exhilaration, and from _rage_.

 _"Who the hell does he think he is?"_ It was out before she could stop it, a gasped whisper, inhaling sharp to feed that spark inside her. Auruo had looked to her, wide eyed and horrified, mouth opening and closing before settling.

He defended Levi up and down for hours while Petra festered, trying to calm her but staying out of her way as she paced a warpath beside the stables. She was just as angry as before, and her rage had given her a headache, all in all, she didn't feel fantastic to say the least.

"Are you not going to accept?" Auruo had asked, voice softer than he usually let it be, unsure. He wanted this, badly, but Petra knew that if she walked away, so would he.

She stopped, rolling her shoulders and tilting her head high. "Oh I'm joining alright, just so I can march up to him and tell him _exactly_ what I think of him."

Auruo had paled, looking as sick as Petra felt at the mere _idea_ of it. He tried to talk her out of it, he usually did when she was set on something almost certainly suicidal like this, but she had put her foot down, and there was nothing he could do about it.

In her mind, she had fantasized about yelling at him, doing exactly as she had said, making him regret expecting to get away with tantrums like that in the military — _as if she would respect a superior that acted like that!_ — but there hadn't been time. And then the expedition changed everything.

She had been ready to devour him when she realized he was there, that empty look in his eyes, but he had joined her in the blood and dirt, and promised their fallen comrade that he would never be forgotten.

Her opinion still stood that he was a crass, vulgar man, but her first assumption that he was uncaring was wrong. With new insight, where Levi's pieces are jagged, Petra's are shapeless, and her edges rearrange to fit his without a word, eyes and ears open.

///

There was no soldier in the corps that didn't have nightmares, and she was no exception. Her mind pulled at different sources, standing alone at her mother's grave, Auruo's corpse scattered, limbs and blood a mess amidst the grass. The dead surrounding the pyre, watching their bodies with an empty gaze. Some horrors real, other's imagined; all, irrefutably painful.

It is far past what would have been deemed _'lights out'_ for the rest of the soldiers, but from what she has understood, the veterans had different privileges. It is an unsure territory to tread, a creaky step whilst attempting to sneak down an old staircase. But they have their own private kitchen, and surely she cannot be faulted for being there?

The mess is dark when she makes her way there, fingers trailing across the aged stone walls before passing over the wooden door frame. Just as old, just as weary. The mess is oppressively dark, but she is familiar enough with the area to slip around in the pitch blackness, making her way to the counter and feeling around for the candelabra. She doesn't need much light, just this will do. It takes a few tries to find the drawer with the matches, but once she does she lights the few candles with ease, picking up candle holder and moving it to the kitchenette.

It's much smaller than the one of the majority of the soldiers, perfectly sized for one squad, and much easier to find things in. She busies herself with making tea, letting herself think of nothing at all as she went about making a pot. It was easier to do this; to distract herself with something. Warm tea, and then she'd be back to bed, or perhaps she'd read a book as well. Anything to keep her mind off of the horrors that crept from under her bed in the night.

With her pot made, she takes it and the pot to the table, careful not to spill a drop even as her hands trembled. She was tired, she was so, so tired. And yet, no matter how long or how well she slept, it seemed that it was not a tired sleep could fix.

There is no telling how long she spends like that, taking small sips whenever she grew tired of staring at her reflection in the liquid. Time passed so differently when you were alone and heavyhearted. Hours became seconds, moments became years. 

She could be forgiven for being startled when she realized someone else stood in the doorway.

She stood quickly, chair scraping noisily against the stone brick flooring as she stood, hands pressed against the table in front of her. The candle skews her vision, and suddenly the room is so so bright against the shadow in the hallway. They had never disturbed her waking hours. But it's not a monster at all, at least, not the kind that reigned in dreams.

Levi steps closer, just enough for Petra to make sense of him in the light, and she relaxes, just a bit. 

"Captain Levi, sir. I'm sorry, I know I shouldn't be awake at this hour—" but he waves her off, gaze roaming from her to the still warm teapot on the table. Petra remains standing as he moves to retrieve another teacup before joining her at the table. She sits a few seconds after he does, more alert with her superior before her.

Petra remains silent as he pours himself a cup, using both hands to bring the cup up to his nose, inhaling before taking a slow, measured drink.

"I don't care what you do, as long as it doesn't affect how you handle yourself outside the walls." His voice is flat, something Petra is coming to realize is really _just_ how he sounds.

Still, her lips tilt up into a small smile, and she sighs, deflating as she went to look back into her drink. "I couldn't sleep," it's easy for her to admit, to open up about the things that plague her; not the specifics — not the way Auruo looked at her, eyeless and gone — but pain; pain she could share.

Levi gives a brief nod, taking another sip of his drink. "I see."

Petra is also coming to realize, that he is a _horrifically_ stilted conversationalist. Well, in for a penny...

"Were you also having trouble sleeping, sir?" It is as innocent a question as a dagger between the ribs. 

He looks at her, but his gaze does not crack her resolve. The silence is longer this time, but he does answer. "I don't sleep."

Well that can't be true. "Not ever?"

Levi's gaze lowers to his own cup, "Not when I can help it."

Ah, that makes more sense. It's a strange vulnerability, perhaps a reward for her own.

"I understand." She does, really. "There are nights where I think that... Maybe if I don't sleep... I won't have to wake up." It's not something she can explain properly, but there are nights where the idea of a tomorrow almost paralyzes her. Levi seems to understand.

"Time isn't something that can be controlled. Whatever is going to happen, will happen. No amount of preparation or planning can soften that blow. The only thing that is certain, is that the future will remain uncertain. I can't offer you comfort by telling you that I know what will happen tomorrow, I won't lie to you. But it is not your responsibility to constantly be on guard waiting for it."

It's... strangely insightful, and probably the most she's ever heard Levi talk in one sitting, it wakes her up somehow. If he has decided this is important enough to say, then she will listen. Petra remains silent while he takes another drink, the sound of the cup making contact with the chipped platter loud against the quick beat of her heart.

"It's my job as your captain to keep watch, to know when and where the next hammer will fall. That responsibility does not fall to you. Whatever happens tomorrow," His voice hardens, his gaze is sharp against hers. "I will handle it, and I will ensure that you can as well."

Empathy, she realizes, it is sharp, jagged; shattered glass. But this is how he shows that he cares, the same emotion that drove him to take a life, guides him to save it. It's a strange piece to the puzzle that is her captain, one she wasn't aware she was missing, but it fits. _Oh_ it fits.

So she smiles, genuinely, and it almost feels like a weight lifts. "Thank you, captain. I don't know if that will help... But I hope it does." 

Levi nods, and that is that.

They sit and drink in silence, Levi keeps his hands wrapped around his cup, letting his eyes close as they sat there. The flicker of the candle is calm, steady. Petra pours herself another cup, and stands to reach over and top Levi's off as well. He opens his eyes to nod at her, before looking back down.

The silence is comfortable, easy. 

Something else seems to occur to Levi, and the steel of his eyes sharpen enough to cut. "There's not anything else bothering you, is there?"

His voice is dangerous, and she startles at it, the atmosphere of the room changing immediately. She has only seen this violence in his eyes past the walls.

"Sir?"

There is silence, he needs time to gather his words. Petra is starting to clear the air of mystery from his actions.

"Are you having problems with any of the other soldiers?"

oh.... _oh._

She shakes her head immediately, flustered at the mere idea. True she doesn't know Erd and Gunther that well, but they certainly didn't give her the impression — and Auruo, although a bit of a dumbass at times, was never, _never_ , intentionally cruel to her.

"No sir! I haven't had problems like that with anyone."

He stares at her for a moment longer, hard, but eventually pulls back, relaxing ever so slightly.

"If that ever changes you have my full permission to kill them."

_Beat._

There is no smile, no indication that it is a joke. He is serious, deadly serious.

"Or, if you can't, or don't want to handle it. Tell me, and I will."

_Oh. He is genuinely serious about this._

" _Kill them_ , sir?" It's all she can say, voice barely above a whisper. He does not back down.

"If someone puts their hands on you, rip them off." It's almost rehearsed, something he has said before, too many times. "Bite the hand that beats you."

.... _Oh._

It's all she can say, shock slowing her actions as her mind raced. "... _Oh."_

"I'll handle whatever Erwin has to say to you afterwards, but you won't get in trouble for it. If it's really shady and some punishment has to be given to satisfy the fuckheads up top I'll take it in your place. Don't stay silent. I don't care what I'm doing. Even if I'm in the middle of taking a shit, interrupt me and I'll listen."

This is serious, and the _literal toilet humor_ in the middle throws her, heat coloring her cheeks and an awkward smile gracing her face, brows knit together. She doesn't know how to respond to it, it's so much information at once, and he is so, so serious.

"...Why are you doing this, sir?"

She doesn't understand, does not know him well enough to process this. Is she asleep?

There is something else in him, something sharp. An animal with too many teeth. "I protect my own."

There is silence following it, Petra looks to the wall behind him, gaze eventually shifting downwards, turning her head to stare at wax trailing down the stem of the candelabra. She must assess and adjust before moving forward. Like in the field, she adapts quickly. Her smile is genuine this time, no longer artificial to keep the peace.

"Thank you, captain. Not everyone would care enough to say that."

Levi nods, and the fight seems to leave him, once again as tired and detached as she was used to him being. The pot is almost empty, how long had they been here?

"Petra." She looks up, he does not meet her gaze. "Do you trust me?"

Her eyes widen, reflexively stuttering out an "Oh! Well of course... sir—" stopping when Levi shakes his head, face screwing up with thinly veiled irritation. What was wrong? What had she said?

"What about Erwin?" She has no idea where this is going.

"The commander? Of course. I wouldn't have joined if I didn't trust him." This is true, there is conviction in that statement.

Levi nods, swallowing. Petra waits with bated breath as he begins to speak.

"I trust Erwin. I don't know what will happen today, or tomorrow, but I know that he will adjust and order us to the best of his capability." He looks up towards her again, but his gaze is clouded. He is looking at her, but he's not seeing her. Clouds part, he is the eye of the storm. "I can't ask you to trust me."

Her heart stutters.

"You don't know me. You've seen what I've done, and what I can do, but you don't know me. Trust is something that is earned. You four obey orders to the best of your ability, and for that you have my complete respect. Obeying is not the same as trusting. I have done nothing to earn your trust yet. That is for you to decide."

His chair scrapes against the stone as he stands, picking up his half-full cup of tea. "I trust you, Petra. But you don't have to trust me."

And all she can do is stare, he holds her gaze, not turning away from the raw emotion in her eyes.

"Thanks. For the tea."

Before he turns to leave, not bothering with a light as he stepped through the shadowed hallway, disappearing from view.

Petra is frozen, how is she supposed to respond? What is she supposed to _do?_

But it comes to her, her will is made of iron. She is Petra, she is _stone._

She's out of her chair the moment it settles, uncaring of the noise as it clattered behind her, more occupied with darting to the doorway, hands bracing on either side of her against the frame. Her eyes aren't adjusted, she can't see.

"Captain!"

It's far too loud for the early hour, and she steps into the darkness, looking behind her before turning around, squinting to see. It takes a few seconds for her eyes to adjust, but down the hall she _thinks_ she can see him. An outline against the darkness. It should be scary, but she isn't afraid.

"I _do_ trust you."

There is no response, and for a moment she wonders if she's really losing her mind and just yelling at an empty hallway, but without another word footsteps continue, and she lets go of the breath she wasn't aware she was holding.

There is truth in her sentence this time, strong willed determination and resolve.

She _does_ trust him, and it settles warm in her chest. Lingering in the hallway for a few minutes longer as she adjusted, before stepping back in to finish her tea. Perhaps Levi will scold her for not doing the dishes come the morning light, but for now she will simply set them in the sink, blowing out the candles and returning to her bed. 

Tomorrow will come, she cannot control that, but she can control how much sleep she gets before that point. She will trust Levi to handle the rest.


	3. gunther; come follow me down

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [come follow me down - george taylor](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYm4hUE7GBc)   
>    
> oh, lover can you hear me now?  
> still fighting for you, screaming out  
> my love buried in the underground  
> so come follow me down  
> i'm sinking in the holy sound  
> don't stand and just watch me drown  
> my love buried in the underground  
> so come follow me down
> 
> content warning at end!

Gunther spends years in that moment, eyes open but unseeing when Levi slits that soldier's throat. He stares at the grass, at the dirt, the flowers. The wind does not stop because a human's heart has, it continues on where one life cannot. It is nothing in his chest; the heavy thump of his heart only a stone rolling around in the empty cavity that is his ribcage.

He thinks of his sister, her caved in skull. Her eyes were so wide, so afraid when she fell. He promised he'd catch her. He _promised_.

He lied.

///

It sits at the front of Gunther's mind the following weeks, the way Levi had approached, how he had followed through. Killed — claimed the soldier as family, and killed him. 

His sister's dead eyes stare at him in the mirror every morning when he goes to wash his face. 

It creates a strange distance between him and Captain Levi, and he's sure the captain notices it. It's not strained, necessarily, but it is off. Gunther still follows Levi's orders faithfully, trusts him to have his back during training sessions where they are paired together; but there's something else there. No one else seems aware of it. Levi knows it, Gunther knows it, and no one else seems to sense the rip between them. A loose thread slowly unraveling the more use it received.

Levi has extended an invitation to discuss it, though not verbally. Gunther understands the way he lingers, staring. The way he tilted his head, a question and an invitation. He does not hesitate; did not hesitate.

Gunther was steady.

That was always what his fellow soldiers joked about when they were still trainees. He was steady, a tree; long limbed and gangly, but feet planted firmly on the ground. Perhaps even a rock, another common joke, stone faced and stubborn. No matter what force of nature he was, he was immovable. He was careful, and responsive, and prepared for whatever scenario presented itself, be it best or worst case.

Gunther does not _feel_ steady.

"How could you?"

an accusatory question in it's own right, usually accompanied by a stranger demanding explanation for something they have chosen to not understand. He should have asked a long time ago, should have asked the second Levi's blade slipped free of the soldier's neck. 

_A smaller voice echoes it inside of him, a young boy with lifeless eyes. His voice is only a whisper. He stopped speaking after the accident, after he lost her. Quieter even still, his sister's body limp at the bottom of the gorge._

_"You promised, Gunther." It reminds him, so soft, dirt in the corners of her open mouth, forever gasping, forever afraid. "You promised."_

_how could you?_

He hadn't meant to ask it, yet his voice is too loud to hope that Levi hadn't heard it. Disrespectful.

Levi stops, but it is not sharp. He does not turn on his heel, lips drawn back into a snarl, ready to reprimand Gunther for the lack of respect he has shown. Levi wouldn't do that to begin with, but it is a scenario Gunther must consider. Levi only stops, and Gunther waits. It's hard to understand what he wants from this _~~what his sister wants~~_. An excuse? Regret? His blood rushes in his ears like rapids, threatening to drown him.

_The wind does not stop._

"Not every act of mercy is a kindness."

Gunther doesn't respond. He doesn't know how to.

That divide between them grows and grows, stretching out impossibly wide, before Levi turns to face him. He cannot read Levi's expression, for he is only a tree. He stands no chance against a hurricane.

"There are things Erwin asks of us," Levi begins, voice measured; even. The same way a jury reads their verdict allowed. He knows what has been asked of him, what has been decided. "That he does not ask of anyone else."

"We are who we are based on the choices we've made. Erwin chose us, and we chose him." The dying sun's rays flicker over Levi's hair, casting shadows on his face. It is easier to look at that, to face distraction instead of the truth.

"The road before us is paved with the bodies of our fallen comrades." He's emotionless when he says it, and Gunther has seen the same expression on too many soldiers, too many times. He knows it himself, that fog. Eyes glossy, like a doll. 

His sister had a doll.

"We have no choice, but to keep moving forward." Gunther tries to focus, tries to meet his gaze, but it's so hard suddenly. _its so hard._

Levi's brows knit, and it's so slight, the way his expression shifts. It's easy to forget, that Levi is far more observant than he wants you to believe he is. Gunther should know better, but a distraction is so much sweeter than the truth. In all of his failings, blindness is his greatest adversary .

"You have to keep moving forward, but to take a life is something I will never ask of you." It's supposed to be comforting, Gunther thinks, something to ease the cold that has begun to settle in his skin. A freeze the sun cannot warm. Plants die like this.

"Oh," he says, and Gunther shakes like a leaf. Levi looks at him with something close to pity. "You already have."

It is shameful, the way Gunther turns on his heel to retreat. He does not ask for permission, he simply goes, turning his back to Levi and walking away from the edge of the cliff. Levi does not call him back; or, perhaps he does and Gunther simply does not hear — does not _want_ to hear.

The candles are lit in the hallways leading back to his room, yet he walks in the dark, navigating the barren walls of his mind, putting one foot in front of the other. He has no choice, he must keep moving forward.

Distractions are abundant to one so used to looking for them, stepping carefully over the stone underfoot, mindful of the cracks; watching the way the shadows flickered against the walls. He distracts himself until he's safely hidden within his room, and then he distracts himself still. It's easier to fuss over his uniform, to carefully look it over, checking the buttons and patches on his jacket. Surely there must be a loose thread on his shirt, or perhaps his bottoms? Something to fix, something he can control. A promise to fix it later, a promise he can keep.

He promises to shower in the morning. It would be wise to do so tonight, but he is lacking in the strength to leave his room, lacking in the ability to do anything but crawl into bed once his night clothes have been pulled on. 

He spends that night staring at the ceiling, and his sister stares back.

///

Times passes as it always does, without concern for whatever wishes to hold it at bay, hands clawing through the sand spilling from a broken hourglass. The sand slips through his fingers, just like everything always does, and Gunther slips away with it. 

He comes back to himself eventually, he always does; and when he does, he realizes Levi is waiting. It is something he had come to expect from those closest to him, his grandparents, Erd. They waited for him when he was lost, when he was silent. They waited. 

It twists something in him, the idea that Levi knows how to wait, knows that Gunther must be waited for. 

He doesn't approach him following their conversation. Gunther is too embarrassed to approach him. So they circle around each other, they are still captain and soldier, nothing will change that crucial dynamic. Gunther is not afraid to die, Levi is not afraid to order him to.

It is after a long day of training that something shifts, that somehow it is Gunther set to leave last, and not first. Levi finds him in the hallway, and before Gunther can say anything, Levi raises a bottle and an eyebrow. Gunther freezes, but it is not a test, and shakily he nods. Levi jerks his head, and Gunther follows his lead.

///

They climb the stairs of one of the towers. Their long ascent to the roof measured in an open silence. Levi knows these stairs intimately, Gunther can tell in the way he walks, careful but unafraid, even in the complete dark. His lead is a guide for Gunther to follow, watching carefully as Levi stepped away from the crumbling edge of one of the stone stairs. His step onto a section of the stairs mended with wood does not creak. 

His body aches from the training earlier in the day, and the unexpected additional workout to his legs will not do him any favors come the morning. But then again, neither will the bottle of alcohol that Levi is carrying.

Either way, they reach the top, and the view is worth it. The stars blink and glimmer in the sky above them, wisps of clouds barely visible against the darkness. It is a blanket above them, but a comforting one. The roof of the wing was not a particularly overwhelming distance from the ground, but such a drop brought back memories. Painful ones.

Still he follows Levi over to the edge, careful not to get too entranced in the drop below them, still letting the captain guide as Levi pulled himself up onto the wall acting as a barrier on the rooftop. They do not have their gear, perhaps a fall at this height would mean their death. Still, Gunther joins him in sitting on the wall, legs swinging over the open air. He is not afraid, he is _not_ afraid.

His sister sits next to him, smaller now comparatively. He has aged, she has not.

Levi uncaps the bottle, takes a drink, and passes it over to Gunther, who follows suit. Levi is waiting, but there is no rush. Gunther may speak when he is able.

So he does.

"It was my sister." He admits, quiet and scratching, like the words had to claw their way up out of his throat. Levi tilts his head in acknowledgement, and so Gunther continues. "I killed my sister." He has never said this aloud before, not even to Erd, who knows so much of him.

Levi waits for him, he waits at the edge.

"When we were young we used to play together. Games. Anything. But there was a gorge by our farm..." it spills from him, the entire wretched story, the game they had played together, their final game. How she had begged and pleaded for his time, his attention. She was so energetic, she wanted to run, to chase and be chased in return. She had wanted so much of him, and he had failed in the most crucial of times. Levi says nothing through it all, merely passing the bottle back and forth as Gunther bares his soul to him. His guilt. Levi does not stare at him when Gunther's voice chokes, or shakes, he is kind in his silence, in how he waits.

"I should have known better." Gunther voices finally, staring down at the drop below him, "I was older, it was my job to protect her." Levi shifts out of the corner of his eye, he does not mind it. The half empty bottle limp in Gunther's trembling hand. Though he does not spill, he is more careful now. He does not spill.

"I had chores still, I told her no. She kept asking, I wanted to play with her. I should have kept saying no." his mother had always told him he lacked sense as a child, practical dues that must be kept fell short when presented with something more enjoyable. He should have finished his chores, perhaps then something different would have happened, something less tragic, less horrid. "If I had only had her wait..."

Levi's fingers are cold, and small when they slip around his own. It is startling, but Gunther does not drop the bottle. Levi takes it from him to take a drink of his own, he does not relax. Gunther isn't sure he knows _how_ to relax, but he is not as stiff as he could be. 

"Isn't that how sisters are?" Levi asks finally, after the alcohol has warmed his throat. "They just push and take whatever the hell they want. You sure as shit cant stop them."

Gunther's brow furrows, and he turns then to look at Levi for the first time since coming out here, taking in the whole picture, looking at the glassy expression on his face. "Captain," He asks, mouth sweetly fuzzy. "Do you have a sister?"

Levi's head tilts, and he looks down to the bottle, staring down the neck and swirling the alcohol inside. Gunther's heart beats — _beats._

"Yes," Levi says, and Gunther almost must strain to hear him, voice so quiet against the night's wind. "I had a sister."

Oh... _Oh._

Levi looks back up to the sky, always the sky when he mourns. "She was the first person I lost once I joined the corps." How could he have asked someone so insensitive? "The first person I killed that mattered." _Oh_

"Captain.. I'm s-"

Levi cuts him off with a shake of his head, holding his hand up to silence him before taking another drink and passing the bottle back. They are nearing the end of it, these last few drinks must be made to count.

"We had a plan, when we joined the corps. I would make a deal with Erwin, and Isabel and Farlan would stay out of it. I could handle killing him on my own-" Killing him? Killing the commander? Levi must have realized that Gunther was _not_ aware of that — he does not know who Farlan is. He glances towards him, and backtracks enough to add context. "That was what we were paid to do. Kill Erwin, and we'd have been granted citizenship above the underground. Down there..." Levi's gaze hardens, staring at nothing. "You would do anything for that."

Gunther nods, though he does not understand, he could never understand the underground, the hell that it was below their feet. Nor can he understand how Levi could go from wanting Erwin dead to trusting him so. It is not his place to understand.

"The plan was for Isabel and Farlan to be put anywhere else, and me handle Erwin before escaping. Isabel didn't know that. When she realized it would be me alone she pitched a howling fit." It must be the light, the way Levi's gaze softens, that hint of a smile to his lips. He looks so young, and so tired like this. "She bit the soldier holding her, and screamed her head off until all three of us were dragged in." As quick as it had come it is gone, that empty exhaustion takes its place.

"Farlan's gear broke on our first expedition, I wasn't close enough to hook into anything, she tried to save him."

_( It's so loud in Levi's mind, the rain, the gasping breaths as he ran, hands caked in mud as he slipped. He was staring, he was trying but he wasn't close enough. She was brave, so brave, just like the bird she had rescued, wings finally healed to soar._

_She missed, she screamed, and Levi, her big brother, where was he? Where was he? Why wasn't he close enough to save her? Her dead eyes, so wide, so afraid. How could he?_

_How could he. )_

"It was raining, she slipped." Levi does not continue, he does not need to for Gunther to understand what happened. She slipped. "I wasn't fast enough."

It is an echoed statement between the both of them. She slipped, and I wasn't fast enough. I couldn't save her. He had failed her. He had promised her, but he had failed her. How could he?

"Gunther," Levi brings him back to the present, grounding him. Levi is looking at him now, expression unreadable, but Gunther knows he must listen. That is how you handle Levi, you must listen. "I didn't kill Isabel, and you didn't kill your sister."

Gunther has heard many words of comfort over the years, it wasn't your fault, you couldn't have known, it was an accident. But never has he heard it so clearly stated.

He didn't kill her.

He may throw up.

"I should have-" but Levi shakes his head, and Gunther shuts up.

"I should have been faster, I should have been closer. I should have done this, I should have done that. You were a child, you couldn't have known." But he should have known, he should have. Levi is not finished yet.

"I didn't kill Isabel. Titans did. If titans hadn't been there she would have lived. How could I have stopped them from fucking eating her?" There is pain, so much pain. "How could you have stopped her from falling? If you had grabbed her you would have just fallen with her. Why the hell wasn't there anything around the damn thing to stop people from falling?" There is anger in his tone, and Gunther's insides twist, Levi is _angry_ for him. Not at him.

"How could you have known?" Levi demands, eyes on fire, and Gunther doesn't...

"I don't know." he whispers, and Levi growls.

"Of course you couldn't have, you were a child. It was never your fault." Something in Gunther is afraid and Levi softens just as quick, he is like that sometimes, jumping from one extreme to the other, violent rage gives way to the softest empathy Gunther has ever seen, he does not know what to make of it. He doesn't need to.

"This world is filthy." Levi says, quiet in his musings. "But that does not mean that there aren't things in it worth saving."

It hurts, in a good way, but it does hurt. It hurts so much it threatens to overwhelm him, to drown him in the agony that it is. It's good, it's like a weight being taken off his shoulders; and oh god does it hurt.

"I don't want to forget her." He admits, quiet and strong, like a tree, rain slips down his face on a clear night.

"You don't have to," Levi says, as soft as a breeze in the leaves. "But you can't keep blaming yourself for things you couldn't control."

Gunther nods, and the rain comes harder. His shoulders hitch with a gasp, and the empty bottle is forgotten on the wall as Levi reaches out, hesitant in ways he would not expect from him, before gently placing his hand on Gunthers arm, giving a light squeeze before pulling away.

Gunther cries, and it feels like he's free.

That night when he lays in bed, a voice long lost but familiar whispers to him. _'I never blamed you, dummy.'_ and he sleeps soundly for the first time in years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning for:
> 
> survivors guilt  
> death is described in detail  
> death of a minor


	4. auruo; sinners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He was young when he learned that he simply wasn't good enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [sinners - barns courtney](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gJQTd0aoqHY)  
>   
> Oh sinners come down  
> Come gather 'round  
> Have a little fun before they put us in the ground  
> Yeah-eh-eh  
> Dancing on cold feet  
> Marching on cobbled streets  
> Oh sinners come down, yeah-eh-eh  
> Yeah, I must be good for something  
> Yeah, yeah  
> content warning at the end!
> 
> sorry it's been so long this chapter did NOT want to be written ive been sitting on it for like 3 months now trying to fistfight it into something that makes sense

It's hard to say where or when it had started, surely it could be traced back to childhood. Maybe to the many younger brothers he adored, the ones that undoubtedly stole his parent's time and attention away from him. Maybe it could be traced to something else, how he was always the odd one out among the neighborhood's children. He was always the busy one, the dirty one, and after a time, the ugly one. He was also the mature one, the brave one, the most responsible one - he had to be to help his family - but children care not for traits that adults find appealing. Auruo was made of many things from a young age, but just as it shaped him, it molded him into something else. 

It's hard to say where or when it had started, but it could be traced back to childhood. He was young when he learned that he simply wasn't good enough.

///

his hands hurt, but Auruo's hands always hurt. There was always an ache in his joints, a part that needed oiled so as not to grind. It said nothing of the taxing work the corps put him through, the way his arms and fingers had to twist and yank to move properly, to send him flying through the air. He had pulled something during the expedition, both in his leg and in his wrist. He had hit the roof too hard, moved too quickly, and it left him with a trembling thigh and an aching forearm. A reward for his failure to save a life.

It hurts to brush through his horse's mane, hurts to run his fingers through the mare's hair, sliding along even strands. There are no tangles, not anymore. He's been at this for awhile now. His wrists hurt more, his hands shake, but he cannot stop. 

It takes days for him to come down off the adrenaline high, the fear that nearly paralyzes him every time Petra looks away from him, tilts her nose up high with that fearsome look in her eyes before shooting off, a beautiful blur against a backdrop of horror. Losing sight of her is like losing her forever, and the relief that comes with her pressed back up against his side drops him, only to yank him back to the knife's edge the second she is gone again.

He can't leave the battlefield. Can't leave the horror packed neatly in his mind, for every time he closes that box it explodes back outwards, more violent than before, more harrowing. The only thing that eases the pain is action, and so he trades his emotional aches for physical ones. Action is easier than inaction, even if it hurts.

///

Levi's foot connects with Auruo's sternum and all the air rushes from his lungs, body going down before he's realized gravity has caught up with him. It makes it impossible for him to catch himself, head smacking hard against the dirt ground. There's blood in his mouth; his tongue is raw.

As far as he's concerned, he's out for this round, so he takes the time to lay on the ground, staring at the sky. Levi stands next to him, panting ever so slightly. Auruo makes no attempt to get up, Levi offers no hand to help raise him.

He really should have known better than to try and spar with Levi, Erd or Gunther would be better, he at least stood a chance of not embarrassing himself in front of them. Petra was a familiar partner, but they knew each other too well; every feint and every calculation that ran through their minds the other would match. He needed something new to force him to improve.

So he has asked Levi to spar, and Levi had not held his punches, and now Auruo was flat on his back, in more pain than preferred, disappointing his superior all over again. To top it all off, he had bit his tongue again.

A display like this was embarrassing at its best, and in his mind Auruo can already hear the captain dismissing him from his squad. He was too close to the wire, one wrong step away from tripping backwards into oblivion.

As far as Auruo was concerned, Levi was perfect. The perfect man, the perfect soldier. He was brave, powerful, strong in a way no one else was. He was _humanity's strongest soldier._ He was everything Auruo wanted to be and more. And Auruo...

_He wasn't even fit to clean his boots._

Joining Squad Levi should have helped some of it. It was proof that he _was_ good enough. Was strong enough to be considered the best of the best. That had to mean something.

But the nagging voice in the back of his head said otherwise. It spoke up every time people whispered, when he was watched on the training grounds. It added a pressure, a new weight he did not know how to manage.

And yet Levi seemed to float above it all, unaffected. He cared not for when people spoke ill of him, ignored the comments about his height. He said nothing when people _ooed_ and _awwed_ over his set on the grounds. It didn't matter to him. The praise, being a hero, none of it. He was just a soldier doing his duty for his comrades.

_Auruo is his comrade too. It should register but it does not. When Levi fights, he fights for him. Levi saved him, chose him._

People love Levi, and Auruo...

Auruo hates himself.

"I yield." Auruo mumbles, inhaling deep and wheezy. It hurts a bit to breathe. That's gonna hurt for awhile.

Best out of three, and this failure put Levi at two-to-zero, marking him as the winner of their spar.

Levi nods, and says nothing before turning away, heading in the direction of the buildings.

And so it begins.

///

It starts more on accident than anything else. How the way he speaks starts to change. Petra notices it first, pausing after he spoke before turning a critical eye to him. Just like when they were children. They had grown up together, she _knew_ him. Knew this was not how he spoke. She says nothing the first few times it happens. And he can pretend he does not notice her stares.

Levi's mannerisms sit ill on his tongue; crooked in his teeth. The way the captain speaks does not come naturally to him, it is too crass, too rude. Wrong. He was sweet as a boy, was kind now. Boastful, yes. He had to be, his achievements were all he had. Rude at times most certainly, but not like this. He knew better. 

Levi knew he was rude when he spoke and simply did not care, the underground had taught him that kindness was sticky, like tar, if you were stuck in it you would never get out alone, and the underground would eat you alive.

Auruo learned that kindness was expected, it was a luxury he, with his meager earnings, could afford; he showed it in his actions. That was one similarity between them. They acted in defense of what they loved.

They were similar in ways, hellfire rage burning in their blood, wrath their most beloved sin. Auruo would rip himself to ruins if it meant defending who he loved. Levi is no different.

But Auruo does not know that, not yet.

It starts innocently, and yet the road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Auruo asks Levi to spar again, and Levi does not tell him no.

Sparring with Levi is not like sparring with anyone else, Levi moves unpredictably, and he knows exactly where to hit to hurt. Levi mops the floor with Auruo, and Auruo learns. He learns to watch Levi's legs, to play defensive. He learns to follow Levi's eyes - and when to watch the opposite direction to where Levi is looking.

Levi is a mixed type of defensive and aggressive when fighting hand-to-hand, aware of his size and how to use it to his advantage, he ducks under heavy-handed swings, slips around to Auruo’s back to kick him forward, he waits for the opportunity to present itself to him before acting.

He is improving, but no amount of improvement here will aid him against titans.

The next expedition is no better.

He and the rest of Levi's squad chase after squad leader Hanji into a forest, yelling at a titan as if it could respond.

They fan out to come in from separate angles, Auruo spies the nape first; of course he goes for the kill. But Hanji yells for him to wait, and so he freezes, because he is a good soldier, and the titan grabs him, hard. Something cracks in his gear, he can feel the way it jerks suddenly against his hip. His arms are pinned, Hanji does not move, though Auruo can see the regret that overtakes their expression. He will be a casualty, would have been, if not for _his_ captain.

Levi flies in like an angel of death, and the flash of his cloak is all Auruo sees before he is falling. The titan roars, and then screams soon after. Levi rides the titan down, using the anchors of his gear and his feet against its nape to shift its weight around, letting the titan fall next to him as opposed to on him.

Auruo lays on the ground, staring wide eyed at the sky, Petra calls his name before she rushes to his side, dropping to her knees to shake him. Is he alright? Is he alive? Is anything broken?

He doesn't know.

His blurry gaze shifts from her to Levi, who is staring at him with something wild in his eyes. His mouth is open ever so slightly, breaths coming out in quick gasps. His hands are trembling.

"Captain," Auruo whimpers, sniffling hard. When did he start crying? There are tears and snot all over his face. "I’ll stick with you forever!" His voice cracks and his eyes go wide, because Levi's facial expression changes. One moment his captain is there and the next he is not, somehow a thousand miles away when Auruo is close enough to reach out and touch him.

The shaking gets worse, and Petra's voice is white noise as they share this moment, this vulnerability, whatever it is. He doesn't know. Levi has never looked like this before; he has never looked so shaken.

It couldn't be fear, not on Captain Levi. Levi is never afraid.

That emotion gives way to rage, and Auruo watches as his hackles rise and acid slips from his mouth, teeth sharp to round on Hanji, rage blooming into the cavity of his chest as he roars at the other squad leader, _"Don't you dare endanger my men!"_

Auruo does not hear what Hanji says in response, it does not matter in the long scheme of things. Hanji will grab him again by the shirt in a few days time after they get back to the walls and apologize for risking his life. Auruo will accept it — because what else can he do? — and they will move on.

At least, he thinks that they'll move on.

///

The squad is strange around him afterwards, Petra clings to his side, hands shaking with the occasional tremor before squeezing tight and drifting away. It is the closest either of them have come to death before.

He is jumpier following it, jumpy when he catches Erd looking at him, anger in his eyes giving way when he realizes Auruo has noticed. It is a startling shift from Erd, to see a man who was known for being at ease, so close to rage.

(At him? No—for him. Levi is the only one with authority to yell at Hanji, he is not the only one who wanted to.)

Gunther lingers longer in his presence, silent but by no means quiet. He has never said much, and that does not change now, it is his actions that allow you to read Gunther, and Auruo has never been good at that.

Auruo's life is replaceable. He is replaceable, so why everyone acts otherwise is a mystery.

It is Auruo's duty to clean up the dishes after dinner. Levi tends to their dining room and the other members of the squad drift away, off to occupy themselves however they saw fit for the night. It used to be that Auruo would pair up with one of them, hang around until it was time for bed.

He doesn't anymore. More often than not he so desperately wants to be alone.

But working with his hands is familiar, and Auruo loses himself in the motions, washing, drying, and putting away. It is a routine, and it is safer than the fear he sees in Petra's eyes. The gasping sobs he overheard outside her room one not, the ones he tried so desperately not to hear. The white-knuckled grip Erd had on the broom. The distant look in Gunther's eyes, his staring.

The dishes are better than the tension, the horrible eggshells they walked on around him.

"Auruo."

His whole body flinches and the teacup he was holding slips from his hand, shattering on impact with the ground. It is similar to a tree splintering as a titan slammed through it, or maybe the sound of stone crumbling. It is loud, sharp, jarring, and worst of all—disappointing.

Auruo follows it to the ground, dropping onto his knees and swearing, suddenly sweating, afraid. Why is he afraid? There is nothing to be afraid of here—he's insane. He's gone insane.

"Auruo," Levi calls again, as Auruo scrambles to pick up the shards of broken cup with his bare hands, something cuts. There is blood, he can't feel it. He can't feel his hands. 

"Auruo!" There are hands grabbing his wrists, and Auruo freezes, taking a gasping breath. He can't breathe, he can barely see, blackness dots at his vision, heart hammering inside his ribcage.

Auruo looks up, slowly. The world spins beyond their little kitchen. Levi is on the ground with him, on his knees in the bits of broken ceramic. It takes a moment for Auruo to read his face, to see the frustration in Levi's expression. It makes shame curl in the pit of his stomach. To be so low before his captain...

His mind is eager to fill with worst case scenarios, how this terrible display of weakness will get him kicked from the squad—removed from his position. He will be stripped of his rank and the meager earnings he can send back to his family will become even more limited. Everything will go wrong because he _failed_.

"Auruo." Levi says, softer now, almost pained. Auruo doesn't understand, he couldn't if he tried. "Are you okay?"

No, he's not okay, anyone who looked at him would see that, would see the broken mess of a man near hyperventilating on the floor. The cup as broken as his psyche.

Auruo breathes, for a long, long moment, and Levi glances at the ground, a grimace on his face before letting out a soft _tch, a_ nd shifting his weight. The ceramic cracks under him. Levi does not let go of his wrists as he moves onto his feet, slowly standing and pulling Auruo up with him. Auruo follows, because there is nothing else he can do to make this better; certainly plenty he could do to make it worse.

"Sit down while I clean this up." Levi's tone leaves no room for argument, and Auruo walks numbly back to the dining room, taking a seat in his usual chair. His dismissal must be coming, but instead of the disgust he should see, instead Levi returns to him with a warm pot of tea, and tin cups; something that wont break should his shaking hands give out on him.

And then there is silence, with Levi sitting across from him, appraising him, and Auruo sinking deeper and deeper into his self loathing. If this is the end of his time on Squad Levi then...

"Captain," Auruo whispers, voice hoarse, his body shaking. "How do I become more like you?"

Levi stops, and for a moment it seems as if Auruo has taken him off guard, before the barest flicker of pain crosses his face. It's like a slap to the face, Auruo regrets his words immediately, just like always. 

"Auruo," Levi begins, and trails off like he doesn't know where to start, doesn't know how to begin. There's too much emotion there, too much of something behind his eyes. Shifting. He's been off ever since the last expedition, since Auruo had sworn himself to him. Tension that Auruo hadn't minded because he had figured it was deserved. "You don't."

Auruo cannot help the flinch, and Levi's mask cracks further, thin lines on the outer edge. Not like Auruo's mask, his is shattered in the kitchen.

"You don't become like me." Levi continues, pain and disgust twist his face wrong, and Auruo wants to throw up. "Why-" Levi breathes, slow, measured, and Auruo watches him go blank. It is somehow worse than when he was emotional. "Why would you want to be anything like me?"

He must be trying to humiliate him. That’s all Auruo can think of when faced with such a question. It's obvious isn't it? But Levi has never been the humiliating type. So Auruo bites his tongue, and verbally stumbles out an answer. 

"Because you're- _you_. Captain, you're amazing," His face heats up, and Levi twitches where he sits. "You're brave, and strong, 'nd shit doesn't bother you, you just keep going. How do-" Tears press hot under his eyes, and Auruo wonders when they got there. "How do you do it? How do you keep going?"

Auruo's voice breaks, and he stops to gasp, willing tears back. He cannot embarrass himself anymore. Not tonight.

"You're a hero." He finishes lamely, and the silence that follows is deafening.

Levi takes a sip of his tea, Auruo knows it is still too hot to drink. He does not wonder why Levi would burn himself.

"All I do," Levi begins softly. "Is send people to their death."

The way he speaks is wrong, empty. "I may save someone, but all that does is force them to wait another day to die."

"Auruo, I will kill you someday." Quiet, even. Levi breathes in between each sentence, steadying himself. "Will you still call me a hero when you're dead?"

Auruo breathes, but there is no hesitation in his answer.

"Yes."

Levi jerks up and his chair drags against the stone, he is staring at Auruo again, that same way he did when he saved him. Like he's seeing something, _someone_ else. The mask splinters and breaks, beyond repair in the face of Auruo's devotion. He is not prepared for what happens next,

"Why?" Levi demands, slamming his hands against the table as he leaned forward. Auruo flinches. "Why the fuck would you want that? From me of _all_ people?"

If Auruo were more observant he would notice how rough Levi's voice is, he would know the anger for agony, but he does not notice these things, and yet, everything is clear.

"Because I trust you."

Auruo watches distantly as Levi's eyes go wide, as his mouth goes from a snarl to a closed lip, the strength leaves his arms, and he stands straight, leaving them limp by his side, before turning and walking out of the room.

It almost sounds like he runs down the hall.

///

Levi avoids him for the next few days, but Auruo doesn't get removed from the squad, and he avoids Levi in turn. Humiliation colors his interactions, the snot nosed mess of a brat begging for his hero to notice him a permanent reminder of his inability to be normal.

But he still wonders who he was in that moment, who Levi was reacting to. Whether it was him or maybe the ghost of someone else. It strikes him then that he does not know anything of Levi, of who he's loved, who he's lost.

There must be someone, there's always someone.

Levi finds him and asks to spar.

///

Once again Levi's foot connects with Auruo's sternum and the familiarity of the air rushing from his lungs is almost calming. He doesn't fall completely this time, he's gotten better about that, stumbling back and dropping to his knees to gasp before lunging back up, arms wrapping around Levi's thigh.

It catches Levi off guard, and the sudden weight has him staggering, hopping on his caught leg to reposition his other foot, giving him a firm enough footing to bring his hands up high, a hand wrapped around his fist before he slams it down hard on Auruo's head. The strength of the blow stuns him, and he nearly lets go, grip slacking before tightening once more, still clinging. Levi makes a noise of frustration, and Auruo counts it as a win even as he sees stars.

Auruo grits his teeth, and instead of using his body as deadweight, he plants his feet firmly on the ground and wrenches himself in the other direction, standing as he does so. Levi's leg gets brought up high, unbalancing him, and Auruo uses that chance to slam himself forward, throwing all of his weight against Levi. No matter how strong Levi is, he cannot outdo gravity, and they both tumble to the ground, with Auruo landing solidly on top of him.

They both make noises as the drop pulls air from their lungs. Levi swears under his breath, and Auruo loses whatever lead he had in the pure exhilaration of having Levi pinned under _him_ for once.

Levi is quick to bring his legs up, now freed from Auruo's grasp, and he doesn't hesitate to buck his hips, giving him enough height to wrap his legs around Auruo's neck, ankles locking against his back as he squeezed, using his hands to keep Auruo's chest up away from his own.

He's getting better, but no amount of improvement will help him against Levi.

Already breathless from the fall, the lack of oxygen makes him dizzy in short order, and he grabs at Levi's thighs again, digging his fingers in to his standard issue military pants. He taps three times, gagging, and the pressure around his neck is gone instantly as Levi accepts his yield, and they pull away from each other.

Levi is quick to stand, getting off the ground, leaving Auruo to drop to his hands and knees, coughing and gasping as he tried to get air back into his lungs.

This would be where Levi walks away. It's only been one round, but Auruo's not getting back up after that, he doesn't have the stamina for fighting like this, so Auruo takes his time to just breathe. After a few minutes the pressure in his chest subsides, and he sits back on his feet, staring at the patterns in the dirt.

"Are you okay?"

To his surprised, Levi isn't gone. It must show on his face when he looks up, because Levi's face twists just a little bit from where he looks down at him.

"Yeah... Yeah I'm fine. Sorry." He doesn't know why he's apologizing.

But Levi nods, and glances off towards the buildings, seemingly in thought before he looks back to Auruo, face blank.

"I don't want you to be anything like me." Levi says, and Auruo stops.

It takes him a moment to understand what Levi is referencing, that... Embarrassing conversation they had a few days ago. 

"Sir?" Auruo asks, because he doesn't know what else he could.

"You're a good man Bossard, a good soldier too. I don't want you to be anything like me." It's a contradictory statement in Auruo's mind, Levi is all of those things and more to him. It's beyond him to think that Levi does not see those same qualities in himself.

"But sir, you're-" Auruo begins, and Levi cuts him off with a shake of his head.

"This squad doesn't need two of me."

And Auruo's face flushes, and suddenly he is all too aware of the picture he must paint. That disastrous conversation coupled with the undercut he had so recently gotten, the cravat now wrapped clumsily around his neck. He wasn't always like this, of course Levi noticed.

"But," Levi continues, taking a single step closer. "It does need you." Levi trails off, mouth still a bit open, there is more coming, Auruo knows it. Levi looks to the sky, head tilting to follow the flight of a bird overhead, before looking back down to Auruo's face. "I need you."

"Captain..." Auruo breathes, because what else is there to say?

The admission chokes him, and his doubts fall away in the face of Levi's honesty. He is not perfect, and his self hatred will not leave him so easily, but for the moment the pressure in his chest loosens, if only a little.

"Just be yourself." Levi says, finally. Reaching out a hand to help Auruo off the ground.

Auruo lingers in that moment, caught between his own insecurity and Levi's faith in him. Levi will not wait forever for Auruo to make his decision.

_(So he thinks)_

But there is no decision to make, his choice had been decided weeks ago, when Levi had saved him, had put Auruo's life before humanity's gain by slaying that titan. Only now does he realize the weight of it. Auruo had offered his life as a _'cheap thing'_ , and Hanji had shaken him, apologized, but the point remained in his mind. If that titan truly could have spoken, if it could have furthered humanity. Why would his captain not save it over him? He was just a soldier, he could be replaced.

Only no, he couldn't. Levi had made that abundantly clear minutes ago. This squad needed Auruo. Levi needed Auruo. Auruo had sworn himself to him, to follow him forever, no matter what that took.

If his captain needed him alive, he would stay alive.

Levi is still waiting, hand extended.

Auruo takes it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> content warning for:  
> self hatred  
> panic attacks,  
> near death experiences.


End file.
